The Art of Saying No: A Radical Act of Self-care
The holidays are often painted as a time of joy, connection, and togetherness. But if you’re anything like me—or many of the neurodiverse individuals I work with—you know they can also be overwhelming. Between the packed schedules, sensory overload, and pressure to show up for every single event, it’s easy to feel like you’re running on fumes by the time January rolls around.
And then there’s the dreaded “no.”
Saying no can feel almost impossible sometimes. Maybe it’s the fear of disappointing someone or the sheer exhaustion of navigating conflict. For those of us with ADHD or autism, this challenge is magnified. We’re often wired to people-please, avoid rejection, and keep the peace at all costs—even if it’s at the expense of our own well-being.
I’ve learned, both as a therapist and through my own lived experience, that saying no is not selfish.
It’s a radical act of self-care.
Why Saying No Feels So Hard (And Why It’s Worth It)
Let’s unpack this for a moment.
As someone with ADHD, I know the spiral all too well: Someone asks you to do something. Your brain freezes. You start overanalyzing: “What if they think I’m rude? What if they stop inviting me to things? What if I hurt their feelings?” Before you know it, you’ve agreed to something you didn’t have the bandwidth for—and now you’re stuck in a cycle of resentment and burnout.
This is where rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD) comes into play. Many of us are deeply afraid of being judged or misunderstood, which can make boundary-setting feel like a risk we’re not willing to take. But here’s the thing: Every time you say yes to something that drains you, you’re saying no to yourself.
And the holidays? They’re prime time for this dynamic. Whether it’s attending a noisy gathering, taking on extra responsibilities, or enduring traditions that don’t resonate with you, it’s easy to let the season’s demands overshadow your needs.
The good news is that you can learn to say no—and you can do it with kindness and confidence.
Scripts to Save Your Sanity
When my brain goes blank in the moment, having pre-planned scripts has been a game-changer. Here are a few that I love:
To a family member inviting you to another event:
“Thank you for thinking of me, but I’ll need to pass this time. I’m focusing on recharging so I can enjoy the rest of the season.”
To a friend asking for a last-minute favor:
“I’d love to help, but I’ve got a lot on my plate right now. Let’s plan something when I can give it my full attention.”
To yourself (yes, you can set boundaries with YOU):
“I don’t have to do everything or make everyone happy. It’s okay to rest.”
These scripts are short, direct, and kind. They acknowledge the other person’s request while honoring your own limits. And most importantly, they help you protect your energy without over-explaining or apologizing.
Permission to Prioritize Yourself
Boundaries aren’t about keeping people out; they’re about creating space for what truly matters. When you say no to the things that drain you, you’re saying yes to rest, joy, and meaningful connections.
This holiday season, I’m giving myself permission to prioritize my peace—and I hope you will too. Whether it’s leaving a party early, skipping an event, or carving out quiet time for yourself, remember: You are allowed to take care of you.
So, what’s one boundary you’re setting this year?
