Holiday Boundaries 101: How to Protect Your Peace Without Guilt

Nov 4

You may not want to think about it yet but the holiday season is upon us, and if you’re anything like me, you’ve probably already felt the creeping stress of a packed calendar, family obligations, and the overwhelming pressure to make everything perfect. But let’s get one thing straight right out of the gate: You don’t have to sacrifice your peace to make everyone else happy this season.

As someone who lives with ADHD and works closely with the neurodiverse community, I know that navigating the holidays can feel like a sensory and emotional minefield. The bright lights, loud music, unspoken expectations, and the constant pressure to be “on” can leave us feeling drained and disconnected. So, how do we protect our energy and peace of mind without feeling guilty? Let’s dive into some strategies together.

Step One: Understand Why Boundaries Are Hard

First, let’s acknowledge that setting boundaries can feel impossible for many of us. We’re often wired to people-please or avoid conflict. It’s not just a personality quirk; for a lot of us with ADHD or autism, these tendencies are deeply rooted in our neurobiology. We might fear rejection (hello, Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria) or find ourselves emotionally dysregulated when faced with a tense conversation. So if the idea of setting boundaries makes you want to run and hide, know that you’re not alone—and it’s not your fault.

Step Two: Identify Your Non-Negotiables

Before you start setting boundaries, take a moment to reflect on what you need to feel safe, calm, and comfortable during the holidays. Maybe it’s having a quiet room to retreat to when things get overwhelming. Maybe it’s saying no to back-to-back social events. Or perhaps it’s as simple as leaving a gathering when your sensory battery is drained. Write down your non-negotiables, and be honest with yourself. Remember, your needs are valid.

Step Three: Boundary-Setting Scripts (Yes, You Can Use a Script!)

Scripts aren’t just for actors or public speakers; they’re lifesavers for those of us who get flustered in tough conversations.

Here are some simple, guilt-free scripts you can use:

To family members who expect you to stay longer than you’re comfortable:
“I love spending time with you, but I’m feeling overwhelmed and need to head home to recharge. Thanks for understanding.”

To a relative who keeps asking intrusive questions about your life choices:
“I appreciate your concern, but I’m not comfortable discussing this right now. Let’s talk about something lighter.”

To a host who wants you to attend an event that feels too stressful:

“Thank you so much for inviting me. I’d love to join, but I’m going to have to pass to take care of myself. Let’s catch up one-on-one sometime soon.”

Practice these scripts out loud if you need to. Seriously, say them in front of the mirror or write them down in your notes app. You’re allowed to prioritize your well-being, and having these phrases ready can make a world of difference.

Step Four: Manage Sensory Overload with a Game Plan

If you’re like me, holiday gatherings can feel like a sensory assault—loud conversations, strong smells from holiday feasts, and bright twinkling lights everywhere.

Here are some tips for managing sensory overload:

1. Scope Out a Quiet Retreat: If you’re going to someone’s house, figure out where you can go for a sensory break. A spare bedroom, a quiet corner, or even a quick walk outside can help reset your nervous system.

2. Bring Your Comfort Items: Noise-canceling headphones, fidget toys, sunglasses, or a weighted blanket can be lifesavers. You don’t have to explain them to anyone; just do what works for you.

3. Set a Time Limit: Decide ahead of time how long you’ll stay at an event and stick to it. Give yourself permission to leave early if things get too intense, and don’t feel obligated to apologize excessively.

4. Prep Your Nervous System: Deep breathing, grounding exercises, or a short meditation before and after events can help you feel more regulated. Remember, emotional regulation isn’t just a skill—it’s a form of self-care.

Step Five: Let Go of the Guilt

This one’s easier said than done, I know. But here’s the truth: Your needs are not an inconvenience. You’re not being “difficult” or “selfish” for protecting your peace. Guilt often comes from feeling like we’re letting people down or not meeting expectations. But the holidays are about connection, and you can’t connect meaningfully if you’re running on empty.

It’s okay to disappoint people. (Really, it is.) People who love and care about you will understand, and if they don’t, that says more about them than it does about you. Give yourself the same compassion you’d offer to a friend who’s feeling overwhelmed.

Wrapping It Up: Let’s Rewrite the Holiday Script

Protecting your peace is not just acceptable; it’s essential. Whether you’re neurotypical, have ADHD, or are on the autism spectrum, we all deserve a holiday season that feels joyful and manageable, not stressful and draining. So let’s commit to setting boundaries that honor our needs—and let’s do it without guilt.

And if you’re a therapist, coach, or educator reading this: Feel free to share these strategies with your clients. We’re all in this together, learning how to support ourselves and each other.

Happy boundary-setting, and here’s to a more peaceful holiday season!